I'm never going to be able to have a baby

I don't know what it is - blame it on the start of a post-miscarriage AF that is physically rougher than usual (like the last time), staying up too late, general unsureness about the direction of life and what it holds for me - whatever the reason, I just have this feeling now that I'm never going to have a baby.

I mean it - I'm not being overly dramatic and attention-seeking, I just feel that all my pregnancies are doomed. I feel sure in my heart we'll be pregnant right away, and along with that is the sure feeling we will lose that baby too. Probably even later than the first two. And it will continue again and again because I won't know when to yell "mercy" and give up.

I'm pretty sure very few people understand this feeling. Those who have never lost a baby will call me a worrywort and spastic, saying I should just "relax" a little. Relax how, exactly? Please explain to me, if you will, how a person who has been pregnant twice and has yet to hold a baby can "relax" and not worry that a third pregnancy won't go the same way as the first two.

And there are so many things that could be the potential cause of miscarriage, from "not your fault" to "omg how did we miss that" that it, quite frankly, blows my mind. Oh, and of course the icing on the cake is that both mathmatically and obstetrically, two does not make a pattern. No, THREE makes a pattern, so I guess really I should hold no hope for myself except that maybe in a few months someone will finally say "Ok Jessica, let's get out the needles and swabs and surgical equipment and test the living daylights out of you" because I will have lost another baby and will now have my pattern. Then I'll experience the joys of driving over an hour one-way in search of an RE that just might be able to help me, but more than likely will get on the same tired train my OB/GYN is on "Well, it isn't your fault, these things just happen and there isn't a whole heck of a lot we can do for you"

Don't get me wrong, I think my OB/GYN is great. I was lucky to find a doctor and a hospital this great considering we live in the middle of nowhere, and I'm lucky even if I don't get everything out there. He's been willing to do anything I ask and advise me on all of it, but I feel like even if he had been able to order every test known to man, he'd still be saying the same things to me.

I want to be like other women I know. I want this third pregnancy on progesterone to be "the one" for me, not another "Oh Jessi, we're so sorry but this baby isn't meant to be." Maybe even progesterone won't be enough to fix me. Maybe I'm broken beyond repair... it isn't like my body was screaming "hello idiot, I need *this certain thing* and then I'd me more than willing to help you carry this baby." Geez, I wish my body would scream something, it would certainly be helpful.

Maybe I'm a bad person. But plenty of bad people have kids, so that can't be it. Maybe I'll be such a horrid parent that this is nature's way of stopping that catastrophy right now.

Ok, that last part was dramatic and attention seeking - I know I'm a good person and I know I would make a good parent. Which leaves me at a complete loss as to why this has happened to me and other good people like me. Hell, I can't even complain and agonize over my misfortune when I only have two angels and others have four or more.

In some ways, my first loss really was easier. I still look upon that as a loss of my baby and I still grieve for that child, but it was my second baby I continue to grieve in such a raw way. That baby I saw and heard the heartbeat twice, I actually had time to "be pregnant" and I even thought I'd make it through the bad times. I really thought that baby was my miracle, that little second chance that said hello when I had no idea there was even anyone still in my womb. Even with the continued spotting and weird HCG, I actually thought I'd finally have a baby.

So how can I even look forward to another pregnancy? Every bathroom trip I'll look for spotting because that is all I've ever known in pregnancy. I'll try my damnest not to be anything other than a normal pregnant person, and I will fail miserably because I am, by nature, a worrier. Not an obsessive worrier, but pregnancy will amplify that worry into some huge thing that will take over my life. I'll be afraid to breathe or move the wrong way, even though I know in my head those things do not cause loss. Now, even a heartbeat can't reassure me. Will there be anything that WILL reassure me?

If it was available, I'd accept being unconscious from BFP to the first signs of labor. I'd do it without hesistation. It may seem so strange to many, but I am not looking forward to being pregnant at all. Pregnancy has never been a happy time for me and I will never be able to get back that thing that makes most women go "la la la" through their whole pregnancy, in this bubble of pregnant bliss. That should outrage more people, that women who go through loss not only lose their babies, but they also, in many cases, lose any way to function like a "normal" pregnant woman.

You'd think this whole blog entry meant I realized I should just throw in the towel. You know what? I haven't. As awful as the past 7 months have been, I'm ready to go do it all again. I grieve the loss of my children. I grieve knowing that only a select few know that I really am a Mom, whether my children ever took a breath on this earth or not. And yet, I want a baby in my arms, more than anything I've ever wanted in this world. I'd do anything to have the chance to finally hold my own child in my arms.

And that is why I keep doing this.