(old About forum sigs)
[text of post at JoM forum]
I swore to myself I would not do this in an attempt to be mellow and pretend all was normal and not jinx myself, but I found that the harder I tried to avoid coming back and being here and saying it, the harder it was to stay away. Especially hard when you randomly break out into tears and miss people you've not been able to check up on in a really long time. So, I'm back, with news.
First, I'm Jessi. I was an oldie from the PfP-on-About era (was active in several other forums there too, started there sometime in 2004) and made the move here when everyone did (pretty much for all my forums) but did not stick around from then until now because of my own personal stuff going on. I'm hoping to catch a few who still remember me (an old sig might help?) because that would make my day (and more) and I'd like to offer my apologies to those who've cared enough to email me when I didn't respond. All I can say in excuse is that despite popping up in April of this year, I still wasn't in the right place to reconnect then (and the person replied through a now missing(?) forum so I couldn't get back there when I was ready a few months ago).
So, the news is, I'm pregnant. 12 weeks on Thursday, due May 10 (edited day: sorry, apparently I'm incapable of actual math now!) and it came as a complete surprise to me - the shock still hasn't worn off, in a way. I was one of the die-hard TTCers who read and charted and temped and scoped and did everything I possibly could. Those who remember me will remember my two losses (11/04 and 3/05) and the problems with them, and sometime last year I decided I was tired of the whole thing and stopped doing it all (except still using a chart one day a month to at least have a cycle day count). If I'm honest, I was scared to death of doing it anymore because I didn't want loss three.
Recently, that was taken very much out of my hands. I had an instance that I could only chalk up to one thing - another loss, because I knew the signs even if all along I was certain I had been having consistent, though symptomatically weird cycles (without going into too much TMI in an intro post!). A pregnancy test post-episode told me I at least had enough HCG to be considered pregnant and so I called the doctor (and dealt with a nitwit nurse, but that's another story for later) and demanded to be seen, checked out and my problems dealt with because now I had the magic three the medical community seems so fixated on. I nearly typed a post to the loss forum that night, but all i could do was be in shock.
An ultrasound the next day to determine if I would need another D&E instead revealed I was still pregnant. And not JUST pregnant, but many weeks longer than I even thought, so for two stages of what I had called a new cycle start, I had been pregnant. And despite this having every warning sign of my second loss, there were differences right off. The growth measurements were not under dating at all (for as much as I could go back and make an ID of when that cycle was) and unlike the heart rate being quite under the average with my second pregnancy, it was 167 BPM at 8w5d. I think the technician had to tell me nearly ten times that while she couldn't do the radiologist's job, everything looked more than fine to her just so I would stop staring at her like she just sprouted another head. And so said my doctor as well when he saw it, and repeated it multiple times at my appointment and scheduled me a week early for my next appointment to hear the heart beat in-office. (And they gave me the 'bag' which will likely mean nothing to most people, but I never got a bag of pregnancy stuff. It felt like yet another weird moment that shouldn't be happening and was.)
In retrospect, it's the best thing that could have ever happened to me to have it all happen that way because those weeks during my second pregnancy were absolute hell. By the time I knew this time, there was no more abnormal signs and nothing left to panic about daily. Now I've spent the last few weeks too exhausted too panic and a bit to a lot nauseated at times, but still telling myself it was all in my head because I didn't want to get my hopes up. I've even tried brushing off the cravings and the fits of crying, but really, sitting here bawling tonight because I missed foruming and the people I knew... really makes me think I need to stop living in protective denial, just a little bit. ;)
My appointment is on the 6th and we aren't telling most everyone until after that appointment. And while I was going to wait until then to come back to foruming, I just miss it too much to stop myself any longer. :)
Geez, that was LONG, I am so sorry *blushes* But all that, of course, was leading up to me being back and while still hesistant, I'm ready to help other people like I was helped these last two and some years and maybe let myself think about my pregnancy a little more than I have. Definitely get chatting and reading again, I know there is tons I've missed and I'm looking forward to seeing how you've all been. I'd loved to be added to the applicable private folders as well.
(Crossed fingers for good things for the appointment would still be appreciated, this really is very hard for me to just 'be pregnant and enjoy it' right now and I'm trying really hard not to think this is me jixing myself.)
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