Two days later

It hurts just as much and I feel just as numb. I cannot believe that Barbie, my beautiful, sweet, hilarious "adopted" sister, is truly gone.

Today, for the first time, I just realized that she is now able to take care of my angel babies in heaven for me. I do not know why I did not think of this before, or what made me thing of it now, but that seemed to set me free of this "ohsocalm" exterior I've been able to erect, at least for the time being. I cannot believe I am holding it together like this, it is unnatural. COMPLETELY unnnatural. Where is my normal hysteria?

It just doesn't seem real. I think only seeing her again will do that and I am scared more than I can say. I need that reality, but for over 14 years I have avoided going near anyone laid out at viewings and funerals, due to an incredibly awful phobia... I don't even think a fear of something like that has a name. But I have to face it, otherwise this is never going to be real.

I just do not even have anything else to say about this, at all.