Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

Sunday, May 29, 2005

The best kind of class reunions :)

Happen in a bar. :) Ok, I know that makes me sound like SUCH a lush, but these past two weekends have only been the second and third times I've ever been in a bar. Granted, any drinking I have done (only a few times) was not at a bar, so that is why I've not been in many.

Last weekend my friend from high school, Clover, invited Zane and I out with some others from my graduating class (Darcie, Kelly and later Johnny) to the local bar. I had a great time and I'm really glad I went as I haven't seen or spoken to most of these people for any extended period of time since high school. Clover and Kelly were so excited to see me drink (because I was such a goody two-shoes in h.s.) that they actually brought a camera to preserve the event. Because they were so excited, I decided to have 7 Schmirnoff's total - the raspberry and apple taste like candy, I couldn't resist! We also saw a few peopel Zane graduated with, and one I graduated with - Andy. I never did like that kid, but I think the alcohol mellowed me - I actually let Clover take a picture of us together. I still don't like him, but perhaps I'll forgive him for the "canopener" nick name he gave me and used all through school (because, in his mind, it rhymed with my maiden name).

Last night/today's group was Darcie, Paula, Chad and Jeremy. Later Caleb and Fester (Mark) came by for awhile, and also had one of Zane's friends, Loaf (Nathan) with them. I was really excited for this weekend because I hadn't seen Jeremy in two years - he was probably my best guy-friend in high school. We had a blast, and since it was Zane's birthday, I stuck with two Schmirnoff's for the whole night. Let's just say Zane had a GOOD birthday.

Now Zane is sleeping it off, LOL! Which is good for me, because I got him the new video game I haven't been able to come near the computer.

The bar reunions are probably over now, which is good - hopefully (if I EVER ovulated - I don't even KNOW what is going on with that) I'll be preggo soon and will have to abstain, so I would hate to miss another get together.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

New hair picture, at last.

Here it is: (click if you want it bigger)

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Star Wars III SPOILER ALERT, you've been warned!


It was awesome! I am so glad we went to see it tonight because both Zane and I were so excited. I was afraid something would ruin it (movie too packed, out of control children) but the whole experience was great.

I wouldn't call myself obsessed with Star Wars, but I've always been a fan, especially of the prequels. I admit it, I'm in it for the love story too, LOL. I'm sure that made some die hard fans get cold all over for no reason, but they need to learn the love story had to be an element of the plot.

We went to the new movie theatre in town, which just opened a few weeks ago. Star Wars III, Revenge of the Sith, was in FOUR theatres, so we had tons of showings to pick from. the one we went to was over 3/4 full, but it wasn't crowded because most groups of people had a seat between them and the next person. Every time I've been to a movie with many children, some kid always kicks the back of my seat or pulls my hair or screams, but all the children in this showing were REALLY behaved. I hope our future children are well behaved when we take them out, I'd hate to have them be the "bad kids" in the theatre.

I really liked the movie - granted, most of it was given away in all the trailers and promo spots Zane and I watched, but it never occured to me that Padmè would be the reason he would go to the dark side. Ok, in my head I knew she'd probably end up dead before the end of the movie, and even though maybe it would be childbirth - I knew it wouldn't be having her go in search of Anakin/DV to turn him back to the Light side and be killed, or something crazy like going into hiding on Alderaan and be blown up along with Leia's adoptive dad, with Luke and Leia never knowing she had been hiding there.

I just never guessed it would be that Anakin would see a premonition of her dying in childbirth and that Sidius/Palpatine, soon to be "The Emperor" would tell him that he could save her with Dark force powers, so that is why he did it. Granted, he had his other reasons, like believing that he could bring peace, etc.

Honestly, I was ready to turn to the Dark side right along with him until he killed the younglings. I, personally, don't get it. He could have let the clones do all of it, but then I guess he wouldn't have been Darth Vader, which he was by then because of his pledge and he would not have gone further into the Dark side. I'm just glad they didn't show him DOING it, or I probably would have been ill. The bodies on the floor for Obi-Wan and Yoda to find were quite enough.

I found all the shots of the clone army turning on the Jedi stationed on different planets so sad, I almost cried, but I didn't. It really was very sad, and the background music definitely helped in the sad department.

I wasn't able to take one crucial dramatic moment very seriously, becuase it was when Padm
è says "Anakin, you're breaking my heart" - that line has been the commercial we've seen for months now, so I always dramatically act in out in silence when it is on. When it came in the movie, I couldn't help but not laugh quietly because Zane jabbed me in the arm and grinned right when she said "Anakin." That scene was sad too, but I still can't believe he tried to strangle her to death. I get that he though Obi-Wan was honing in on her, but he should have know, even in his Dark side twisted head that she loved him. I don't think he was *completely* gone then, when he was force-strangling her, but I do think he was too far gone to realize what he was doing until it would have been too late, had Obi-Wan not distracted him and got him to stop.

I really thought Obi-Wan should have tossed Anakin in the lava river instead of leaving him there, set on fire, to burn to death after he cut off all his limbs except the arm with the mechanical hand. It just seemed way too cruel for the whole father son, then brother/brother relationship they had. But I realize that would have left nothing for Sidius to save and create the new and improved Darth Vader.

Out of all the sad part, especially Padm
è dying, I really think the saddest was when Sidius told Dath Vader that she was dead and he had killed her. I really found it sad to watch him blow up the walls and the droids, etc. in the room thorugh the sheer power of his mind because you could truly see him go all the way to the Dark side and truly become an evil Sith lord. I'm really suprised he had enough good in him left after that to save Luke in the sixth movie because it really did look like the death of Padmè would have killed him if he hadn't been

I'm kind of glad she died of a broken heart. I'm not GLAD she died, because I would have loved to see them put her in hiding so there would be that "open door" in the plot for people to create stories of a reunion of her and her children set after the sixth movie, or something like that.
Zane thought it was appropriate because any other medical issue could have been fixed with their technology, so it had to be a "unexplainable" form of dying in the medical sense. I like it that way because it showed how strong their love was. She died because, in addition to practically being strangled by the person she loved, she probably knew she would never see him again or or she would never be able to bring him back to the Light side, even though she knew there was some good still in him. He turned completely (well, except for the itty bitty bit that later saves Luke) to the dark side because he failed to save her, which he wanted to do because she loved her so much. Honestly, it is a situation to which I can completely relate.

Finally, I was relieved to see Hayden Christansen did not totally suck this time. I'm sorry, I really thought he was a bad actor in the second movie. I think this conflict between good and evil and the chance to look dark and scary really did him some good as an actor, as I didn't find myself cringing whenever he had a "dramatic" moment.

I'd really like to see it again, even though I don't ever re-watch movies in the theater. I definitely give it a "A" :)

Now I don't have any movies on my "must see" list until winter when Harry Potter, Goblet of Frie, and The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. There are some good ones coming out, but nothing I HAVE to see. At least I have HP Book Six too look forward to in July! :)

Sunday, May 15, 2005

I'm never going to be able to have a baby

I don't know what it is - blame it on the start of a post-miscarriage AF that is physically rougher than usual (like the last time), staying up too late, general unsureness about the direction of life and what it holds for me - whatever the reason, I just have this feeling now that I'm never going to have a baby.

I mean it - I'm not being overly dramatic and attention-seeking, I just feel that all my pregnancies are doomed. I feel sure in my heart we'll be pregnant right away, and along with that is the sure feeling we will lose that baby too. Probably even later than the first two. And it will continue again and again because I won't know when to yell "mercy" and give up.

I'm pretty sure very few people understand this feeling. Those who have never lost a baby will call me a worrywort and spastic, saying I should just "relax" a little. Relax how, exactly? Please explain to me, if you will, how a person who has been pregnant twice and has yet to hold a baby can "relax" and not worry that a third pregnancy won't go the same way as the first two.

And there are so many things that could be the potential cause of miscarriage, from "not your fault" to "omg how did we miss that" that it, quite frankly, blows my mind. Oh, and of course the icing on the cake is that both mathmatically and obstetrically, two does not make a pattern. No, THREE makes a pattern, so I guess really I should hold no hope for myself except that maybe in a few months someone will finally say "Ok Jessica, let's get out the needles and swabs and surgical equipment and test the living daylights out of you" because I will have lost another baby and will now have my pattern. Then I'll experience the joys of driving over an hour one-way in search of an RE that just might be able to help me, but more than likely will get on the same tired train my OB/GYN is on "Well, it isn't your fault, these things just happen and there isn't a whole heck of a lot we can do for you"

Don't get me wrong, I think my OB/GYN is great. I was lucky to find a doctor and a hospital this great considering we live in the middle of nowhere, and I'm lucky even if I don't get everything out there. He's been willing to do anything I ask and advise me on all of it, but I feel like even if he had been able to order every test known to man, he'd still be saying the same things to me.

I want to be like other women I know. I want this third pregnancy on progesterone to be "the one" for me, not another "Oh Jessi, we're so sorry but this baby isn't meant to be." Maybe even progesterone won't be enough to fix me. Maybe I'm broken beyond repair... it isn't like my body was screaming "hello idiot, I need *this certain thing* and then I'd me more than willing to help you carry this baby." Geez, I wish my body would scream something, it would certainly be helpful.

Maybe I'm a bad person. But plenty of bad people have kids, so that can't be it. Maybe I'll be such a horrid parent that this is nature's way of stopping that catastrophy right now.

Ok, that last part was dramatic and attention seeking - I know I'm a good person and I know I would make a good parent. Which leaves me at a complete loss as to why this has happened to me and other good people like me. Hell, I can't even complain and agonize over my misfortune when I only have two angels and others have four or more.

In some ways, my first loss really was easier. I still look upon that as a loss of my baby and I still grieve for that child, but it was my second baby I continue to grieve in such a raw way. That baby I saw and heard the heartbeat twice, I actually had time to "be pregnant" and I even thought I'd make it through the bad times. I really thought that baby was my miracle, that little second chance that said hello when I had no idea there was even anyone still in my womb. Even with the continued spotting and weird HCG, I actually thought I'd finally have a baby.

So how can I even look forward to another pregnancy? Every bathroom trip I'll look for spotting because that is all I've ever known in pregnancy. I'll try my damnest not to be anything other than a normal pregnant person, and I will fail miserably because I am, by nature, a worrier. Not an obsessive worrier, but pregnancy will amplify that worry into some huge thing that will take over my life. I'll be afraid to breathe or move the wrong way, even though I know in my head those things do not cause loss. Now, even a heartbeat can't reassure me. Will there be anything that WILL reassure me?

If it was available, I'd accept being unconscious from BFP to the first signs of labor. I'd do it without hesistation. It may seem so strange to many, but I am not looking forward to being pregnant at all. Pregnancy has never been a happy time for me and I will never be able to get back that thing that makes most women go "la la la" through their whole pregnancy, in this bubble of pregnant bliss. That should outrage more people, that women who go through loss not only lose their babies, but they also, in many cases, lose any way to function like a "normal" pregnant woman.

You'd think this whole blog entry meant I realized I should just throw in the towel. You know what? I haven't. As awful as the past 7 months have been, I'm ready to go do it all again. I grieve the loss of my children. I grieve knowing that only a select few know that I really am a Mom, whether my children ever took a breath on this earth or not. And yet, I want a baby in my arms, more than anything I've ever wanted in this world. I'd do anything
to have the chance to finally hold my own child in my arms.

And that is why I keep doing this.

Friday, May 13, 2005

It has begun again :)

Cycle 10, CD1

I'm so excited, AF came tonight which means I'm officially back to TTCing again. I'll need to call the doctor Monday to get the prescription for the progesterone suppositories - I'm sure he'll get it done quickly but I want to give myself enough time to have everything in order.

According to my 29 day cycle, I should ovulate on Zane's birthday, but I'm not sure that will be the day based on prior cycles. From looking at my previous cycles, I've not yet ovulated on the same day:
Cycle 4: CD15 or 16
Cycle 5: CD15
Cycle 6: CD13 (miscarriage)
Cycle 7: No recorded O
Cycle 8: CD14 or 15 (miscarriage)
Cycle 9:
No recorded O

As for cycles 1 - 3, I wasn't charting temps but the other signs pointed towards a CD14-15 O time. I think cycle 6 was a fluke because it was early. So I'm not really sure when O is coming thsi time, but at least Zane will have a happy birthday ;)

Also by that chart, if I don't test early I could suprise him for our 2nd anniversary (June 14th), which would also be a great birthday present (June 16th), but I will probably test early if my temps look good. As much as I'm trying not to set myself up for it, I did get pregnant the first cycle back from my first miscarriage and I'm hoping to do so again. I definitely don't want to take the six cycles it took to get pregnant initally.

Wow - when I get the BFP for this cycle (because I WILL have that Feb '06 baby) it will be in June, a whole YEAR from when we first started trying. The start of that cycle was May 27 (wow, I might ovulate a year to the day of the start of that cycle, weird how that coincidence means something in my head even though it is just a coincidence), but we were still discussing it towards the end of the month and decided at the beginning of June we would start. So that is really why I consider us TTCing since June '04.

A whole year... wow, I never thought it would take this long. I thought I'd have a baby in my arms by now, and while I've had two chances, I still don't.

*sigh*

No, I'm happy, I CAN'T get sad now! I may not have a baby for Christmas but I WILL have a huge pregnant belly by then! Please, oh please, let this happen right away. And let the third time REALLY be the charm... I know it is a stupid saying, but I'm thinking I need it on a t-shirt.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I'm back!

Well, actually I've been back home since Sunday, but now I'm officially back online. I took a two day hiatus from all things internet and PennACCA, and now I'm trying to catch up on all my back messages for forums I visit.

So the conference went great - no big problems, everything seemed to run really smoothly. It was a huge effort, but it seemed that almost everyone really enjoyed it a lot.

The only bad thing about the weekend was that Saturday night my Mom went into the hospital with her diabetes and I couldn't come home because I was the only one who was going to be around Sunday morning. So I had to wait until Sunday afternoon to see her and she was still pretty out of it at that point.

Luckily, she came home Tuesday and is doing much better.

Well, that is it for me, just a quick update and now I think I'm going to go read.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Damn PennDOT and smelly black sludge

I am mad, so very mad at the people working on my road today!

I'm in the middle of last minute planning for the state coaching coference this upcoming weekend and I'm waiting on mail... so, of course, what do the state road guys decide to do? Come by and BURY my mailbox and newspaper box!

They are digging out the ditch, or something - they've already done the side of the road the house is on and totally ruined the front yard because the machine shot the dirt about 10 feet into the front yard. So anyways, on this side of the road apparently to completitng their job requires that they basically annihilate a road bank in their path. A very WET road bank built of SMELLY black dirt. Smelly black wet dirt that when churned up turns into smelly black SLUDGE, which is now all over my mailbox and completely covering my now uprooted newspaper box... and my NEWSPAPER!

Oh, and I forgot... ME!! I had to wipe the mailbox off (the post and number sign is still coated though), otherwise I could kiss my mail delivery goodbye... I know smelly black mud is not part of the postman's credo!

And you know what? I saw the idiot coming, and I watched him. I thought he'd skip the SMALL section of road where the mailbox and newspaper box reside. He did... but then he came back! By then I was standing in the yard, yelling at him to stop so I could get my paper because I knew he wasn't going to skip it a second time. He doesn't even stop, just blows mud all over the mailbox and destroys the bank the newspaper box USED to be staked in. Then when he is finished, he turns around and looks at me, looks at the mess, and drives away.

So I call PennDOT - tell the very polite man who answered the crew better come back and dig out my newspaper box and hose it down, considering they just ruined not only the box, but the paper. He tells me he'll call the foreman.

So I know what that means... so I call the newspaper, tell them not to bother trying to bring the paper tomorrow and I'll probably need a new box so they can replace this one which is going to need to be professionally powerwashed.

Apparently I'm not the only one mad as heck... the cows on that side of the road are standing there, sniffing and bellering out loud, probably at the smell. :)

Poor Zane, he probably thought he was going to get to come home and relax. Wait till I tell him he has to go get the box and try to hose it down. I told the circulation woman I'd see if he could, and if it came clean we'd put it in a new spot (since the whole bank is gone) but if it wasn't clean and up tomorrow when the paper guy went by that means we need a new box.

Oh well, my hand may still stink even though I washed it 6 times, but at least my new hair cut looks good. :)