Two days later

It hurts just as much and I feel just as numb. I cannot believe that Barbie, my beautiful, sweet, hilarious "adopted" sister, is truly gone.

Today, for the first time, I just realized that she is now able to take care of my angel babies in heaven for me. I do not know why I did not think of this before, or what made me thing of it now, but that seemed to set me free of this "ohsocalm" exterior I've been able to erect, at least for the time being. I cannot believe I am holding it together like this, it is unnatural. COMPLETELY unnnatural. Where is my normal hysteria?

It just doesn't seem real. I think only seeing her again will do that and I am scared more than I can say. I need that reality, but for over 14 years I have avoided going near anyone laid out at viewings and funerals, due to an incredibly awful phobia... I don't even think a fear of something like that has a name. But I have to face it, otherwise this is never going to be real.

I just do not even have anything else to say about this, at all.

My Dear Angel

My sweet November angel, today is the day of your expected due date, if you had not been taken from us so cruelly.

Unfortunately, nothing in this world is ever fair.

So this is for my first angel - a bit of disjointed free verse that I can't get out of my mind.

Dear angel of my heart,

Today you might have been mine
If life had not been so cruel

I could have showed the world to you
As you would have brought a new one to me

Perhaps if I had done something different
My heart would not break as it does at this moment

Even now there is no rounded belly
Or tiny, perfect hand to ease my pain

What lies behind me is string of failures
And like clockwork they still come

How I wish that I could know you
If only for one perfect moment

Yet life is indeed unfair and unkind
And I am broken by the strain

Today you might have been mine
And how closely I would have held you

I would have memorized your every feature
And never let you leave my side

Yet gone from me you are
Just as the one who followed soon after

So now I sit here with a pain that knows no end
And wonder how much longer it will be

Before I can heal my grief
On this day you would have been mine

Love always,

Your Mom

OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I've already said my piece on my LJ, so I shall just link to there for all the thoughts that are exploding with spoilers.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/princessjessia/4013.html#cutid1

ONLY CLICK IF YOU'VE READ HBP OR DON'T CARE ABOUT SPOILERS!

If you just want to read the non-spoiler stuff, use this link:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/princessjessia/
and don't click the "cuts" in the journal entry for July 16.

I think I should sleep soon, it's been a rough day!

(HBP in less than 2) I need to clean!

Yep, that right, 1 day, 21 hours! I'm getting so excited I can't stand it, but I'm keeping busy, so the time is flying past!

Pretty much wrote and read all day today - it stormed most of the day and I just love storms, so I wasn't going to clean while it was going on. If I could take the IPC (that's my nick for the desktop, as the laptop isn't hooked to the DSL) outside, I would have read and wrote out on the porch once the worst of the sideways rain had passed. Perhaps I'll clean tomorrow, this house is beginning to look like the junk sector in the Labyrinth.

Feeling the worries about Sev getting the axe in HBP. I don't know why that continues to haunt me, I guess my mind is thinking - ok we're down a student and an ex-student turned Order member, now it's going to be an ex-student turned Order member who is a prof. Think about the problems it would create for the Order to lose their spy? But then I think, 'no, she has enough professors coming and going, she's needs her spy to keep her story going, there is way too much about him that still needs to be revealed, so my Sev is here to stay.'

So who is a likely "axeable" character? Tons spring to mind, but I know it has to be someone significant - although, I don't know why it would necessarily have to be, Ced wasn't all that significant to the plot other than being there at the same time as Harry. I doubt it's the Golden Trio, and I doubt it would be Dumbledore or McGonagall... I'd like to see Remus come back now that Firenze is teaching in the school, so maybe him? Nah, what point would that serve? You know, it really is pointless to continue to speculate, I'll know in less than two days... still, I worry! :)

Now I'm off to play with some new places I found on LiveJournal - check them out in my Links - PotterPuffs and Movies in 15 Minutes.

(HBP in 4) I'm not lost, I swear!

Wow, has it been FOREVER since I did personal blogging - fanfic blogging does not count... ok, yes it does, for the mere fact all I've been doing lately is writing (and reading) fanfiction.

I will say this - I think fan fiction is my new love. Besides Zane of course! The desire to create stories is almost as addicting as the temptation to READ all that is out there.

Ok, so for those tuned in from PfP, MoA and my other lovely forums - I can't log into About. I don't know why, it is just being such a pain. It keeps shifting me to "guest" status after I log in and I KNOW it isn't the changeover, because it just started doing that this weekend. So if you are reading and wondering what the hell is going on, that's what it is!

So, no BFP and I'm offically in a mood over it. Strangely enough, not as much as I would have thought. It is possibly due to the fact I was pretty sure there would not be any happy announcements. I just wish my body would get in gear this cycle, so I'm not too upset over everything.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I think too much foruming feeds the frenzy *cringes at the the yelling from all my forum friends* Seriously though, after a few days of not foruming all over, I don't even miss most of it. I miss my friends, yes I do, but not the "need" to log in every day and read all the DRAMA. Of course, this is all because I use my computer time with internet (Zane gets this computer at night because it is the only one equipped to run his game) to read. I haven't been to the library in who knows how long, but I don't need to when there is so much online to read. :) Granted, I'm sure some people can't stomach reading about the same characters over and over again in as many forms and situations as can be written, but I do!

However, I do miss you all, not being able to log in - however, I haven't tried since yesterday, maybe I'll give it a go after I post this.

Ok, now for the excitement of my life - Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince!!!!

Don't laugh, this is a big deal for me and it is healthy to look forward to something. It is good for the soul to learn patience. As of right now (3:10 a.m.) there is 3 days, 20 hours and 50 minutes until HBP. I'm getting so excited, but in a sick to my stomach kind of way because I am so worried about who she will kill off next! *prays it isn't Sev* For those of you who don't know my secret obsession, you should be ashamed. I adore Severus Snape. He is the-guy-I-love-to- hate- but-can't-quite-seem-to-find-the-heart-to-very-often. Now how's that for a title? :)

Don't get me wrong, I love the other characters like Harry and Ron, but I adore Snape. I also love Hermione to pieces, she reminds me so much of myself when I was younger. If one of my future children turns out that way, I would be proud - there are worse things than being a bossy know-it-all, everyone knows that. :) This is possibly why I am a SS/HG 'shipper in fanfiction (if you don't know what that means, but don't like the look of those two sets of intials next to each other, you just SO do not want o know what I am talking about). The fact remains that I love them both and I doubt either of them will get the pink slip of death, but I still worry.

So, to feed my excitement and obsession, this is my plan for Friday. Sleep during the day, haul butt to Wal-Mart to wait like a ravenous dog for them to bring out the pallet of books (that's what they did for OoP, I swear. No fancy display, just two wood pallets with the books stack on them), greedily drool at them until midnight, frantically snatch one as SOON as they cut the shrink wrap, rush to a register and then drive home and stay up all night reading, possibly waking up Zane several time with squals of delight and gasps and screams of horror.

Ok, so say it with me - "Jessi's diehard" It is the truth! For no other books have I gone to these lengths, except the Harry Potter series. I'm not even a "wait in line on opening day" kind of girl for movies, but I would set my tent up to get this book. If you love me, you will just shake your head fondly at my mania!

Ok, so that's it for me, I'm off to beat About.com into submission! Perhaps there will be mania tomorrow!

I hate content protected CDs

They suck. I just got "Never Gone" the new Backstreet Boys CD and I practially had to sell my soul to get it to play in my computer. FORGET adding it to a mix CD, because apparently that is just a terrible, awful, impossible thing to do!

It makes me want to go and download copies of the songs illegally so I can use them. I mean, I PAID for the damn songs, I should be able to add them to a mix CD for my personal use if I want to do so. It's not like I'm handing out copies of the CD to every person I know.

Grrrr.

I'm a rotten, awful, horrible traitor

To Michael Crawford's Phantom.

(this may be spoilerish)

Damn me. I swore I would NEVER purchase a ticket to, rent or buy The Phantom of the Opera movie in respect for the awesome talent that is Michael Crawford. I intended to boycott Andrew Lloyd Webber's insanely stupid mistake.

But I'm WEAK... so very, very weak. I had my free birthday movie from Hollywood Video and I could no longer resist the call of this movie.

But before I burn in the fires of traitorious phandom, I did edit the movie experience slightly - anytime a major song came on, I stuck on my headphones and listened to Michael singing with the original soundtrack instead. Improved that movie immensely!

Ok, so my two big objections to the movie - the guy who played Raoul was a PANSY. Ugggghhhh, he was such a pansy that I don't know how anyone could have accepted that she chose him over the Phantom. If I had never seen or heard of it before, I would be shocked. I'm sorry, I just did not like the character at all.

Second - the Phantom was too good looking. The guy was barely disfigured, for crying out loud! Quite frankly, he was so much better looking than Raoul that it completely changed the story for me. I found myself yelling at the TV screen about how idiotic she was to make the choice. In both the original production (which I didn't see, but have seen photos) and the production I saw, Raoul was so gorgeous and so freaking charming that I could kind of see how she might choose him instead. But no, not in this one. Of course, I would have chose the Phantom, no matter what, so maybe I'm biased!

I mean, come on, go LOOK at this guy. Isn't it some kind of crime against nature to put him behind a mask? He should have been Raoul. I'd show you a picture, but the one I want won't seem to save as an image (damn imdb)

Quite frankly, I believe both male leads were badly cast. Butler made an incredibly sexy Phantom in the "Past the Point of No Return" scene (oh yummy, yummy, YUMMMMMY) - ok, so maybe I'd allow that. However, he was was too "rocker" Phantom for me in every other scene. don't get me wrong, the guy has a powerful set of cords and would probably do excellently with thousands of songs. His voice just did not fit well at all with the songs in the movie, except perhaps PTPNR (I admit it, he did very well with that and I was ready to fall into his arms - may my husband never see that, LOL). I don't think he truly had the whole "phantom menace" so to speak (haha, ok so it wasn't that funny).

The guy who was Raoul - please don't make me relive that to complain. I think his only redeeming moment was when he came pounding into the cemetery on horseback - but I'm a sucker for a man on a horse too, so once again, I think I'm biased. What is sad is Wilson is incredibly cute, but not in this movie.

Minnie Driver - was FABULOUS. This was an excellent role for her (except the insanely heavy accent that was sometimes completely intelligible).

Emmy Rossum made a great Christine. It helped that she looked so beautiful in this movie (and is so in real life as well). Sometimes I thought she didn't show enough emotion (like for Wishing You Were Somehow here Again - she's singing about her dead father who she misses like crazy, I expected tears), but I did enjoy her. Her voice made me want to cry, for she sounded almost exactly like Sarah Brightman at some points.

When Christine and the Phantom kissed, and then kissed AGAIN, I thought for sure she would choose him (this is how good it was, because I knew she didn't. It was kind of like a "pray-the-ship-doesn't-sink" kind of moment when watching Titanic. You know, in the back of your mind, that it is going down, but you almost convince yourself they'll make it out of it ok.)

The flash backs - well, technically, the story is the flashback, the black and white scenes would be "present day" - were an interesting touch. I totally was not expecting the movie to end with one, but when it did and I saw that rose with the ribbon and the ring, I literally GASPED out loud. Then I cried like a big baby. :) And THEN I damned her again for not choosing the Phantom.

Ok, so now the non-character and plot things. The costumes were INSANELY gorgeous. Truly perfect. The opera house was quite frankly the most beautiful piece of scenery I have ever seen. they really outdid themselves in those areas.

So, I say go watch it. It was very good for what it was (a gorgeously dressed up stupid mistake by ALW). However, if you love M.C.'s phantom, go get the original soundtrack and your portable CD player or iPod and play it over that man's singing.

Do two negatives make a positive?

Only in multiplication. ;(

I'm being such an odd duck about this whole situation - I don't want to be pregnant this month because my chart was so awful I didn't even bother with the progesterone, but, at the same time, I wait in front of the tests, practically holding my breath, looking for something to appear.

It truly sucks to be this conflicted.

Getting away from the TTC front - I'm writing my own fan fiction (Labyrinth, Jareth/Sarah romance). I only started reading fanfic last weekend (all Labyrinth), but I've read so many already that I began to want to to record the words that would pop into my head late a night. I did one piece, no more than a long chapter and felt satisfied I had gotten that particular thing out of my head. But it didn't end there, because one day I was listening to music and a song really hit mit as being perfect for a J/S story. I think 5 pages flew from my fingers on Monday within a matter of hours.

Honestly, I had forgotten how much I liked to write. It feels good, even though it isn't a productive thing to be doing, like housework, uggh :( I guess I shouldn't be suprised that it still feels good - after all, I do love to blog.

What amazes me most about this recent start is that I always thought it sounded strange to hear a writer say that the characters or story wrote themselves sometimes. I always thought a write made the story exactly as it should be but today I find myself facing this problem. I want the story to go one way (to a happy resolution now, perhaps some conflict later) but my thougths keep straying to a plot twist that will bring much conflict now and a happy resolution much later. I am amazed at this feeling of having to bring this conflict into my story and I'm trying to resist it but I think I am going to write it.

More about my fanfic efforts can be found here: http://www.livejournal.com/~princessjessia/

The best kind of class reunions :)

Happen in a bar. :) Ok, I know that makes me sound like SUCH a lush, but these past two weekends have only been the second and third times I've ever been in a bar. Granted, any drinking I have done (only a few times) was not at a bar, so that is why I've not been in many.

Last weekend my friend from high school, Clover, invited Zane and I out with some others from my graduating class (Darcie, Kelly and later Johnny) to the local bar. I had a great time and I'm really glad I went as I haven't seen or spoken to most of these people for any extended period of time since high school. Clover and Kelly were so excited to see me drink (because I was such a goody two-shoes in h.s.) that they actually brought a camera to preserve the event. Because they were so excited, I decided to have 7 Schmirnoff's total - the raspberry and apple taste like candy, I couldn't resist! We also saw a few peopel Zane graduated with, and one I graduated with - Andy. I never did like that kid, but I think the alcohol mellowed me - I actually let Clover take a picture of us together. I still don't like him, but perhaps I'll forgive him for the "canopener" nick name he gave me and used all through school (because, in his mind, it rhymed with my maiden name).

Last night/today's group was Darcie, Paula, Chad and Jeremy. Later Caleb and Fester (Mark) came by for awhile, and also had one of Zane's friends, Loaf (Nathan) with them. I was really excited for this weekend because I hadn't seen Jeremy in two years - he was probably my best guy-friend in high school. We had a blast, and since it was Zane's birthday, I stuck with two Schmirnoff's for the whole night. Let's just say Zane had a GOOD birthday.

Now Zane is sleeping it off, LOL! Which is good for me, because I got him the new video game I haven't been able to come near the computer.

The bar reunions are probably over now, which is good - hopefully (if I EVER ovulated - I don't even KNOW what is going on with that) I'll be preggo soon and will have to abstain, so I would hate to miss another get together.

New hair picture, at last.

Here it is: (click if you want it bigger)

Star Wars III SPOILER ALERT, you've been warned!

It was awesome! I am so glad we went to see it tonight because both Zane and I were so excited. I was afraid something would ruin it (movie too packed, out of control children) but the whole experience was great.

I wouldn't call myself obsessed with Star Wars, but I've always been a fan, especially of the prequels. I admit it, I'm in it for the love story too, LOL. I'm sure that made some die hard fans get cold all over for no reason, but they need to learn the love story had to be an element of the plot.

We went to the new movie theatre in town, which just opened a few weeks ago. Star Wars III, Revenge of the Sith, was in FOUR theatres, so we had tons of showings to pick from. the one we went to was over 3/4 full, but it wasn't crowded because most groups of people had a seat between them and the next person. Every time I've been to a movie with many children, some kid always kicks the back of my seat or pulls my hair or screams, but all the children in this showing were REALLY behaved. I hope our future children are well behaved when we take them out, I'd hate to have them be the "bad kids" in the theatre.

I really liked the movie - granted, most of it was given away in all the trailers and promo spots Zane and I watched, but it never occured to me that Padmè would be the reason he would go to the dark side. Ok, in my head I knew she'd probably end up dead before the end of the movie, and even though maybe it would be childbirth - I knew it wouldn't be having her go in search of Anakin/DV to turn him back to the Light side and be killed, or something crazy like going into hiding on Alderaan and be blown up along with Leia's adoptive dad, with Luke and Leia never knowing she had been hiding there.

I just never guessed it would be that Anakin would see a premonition of her dying in childbirth and that Sidius/Palpatine, soon to be "The Emperor" would tell him that he could save her with Dark force powers, so that is why he did it. Granted, he had his other reasons, like believing that he could bring peace, etc.

Honestly, I was ready to turn to the Dark side right along with him until he killed the younglings. I, personally, don't get it. He could have let the clones do all of it, but then I guess he wouldn't have been Darth Vader, which he was by then because of his pledge and he would not have gone further into the Dark side. I'm just glad they didn't show him DOING it, or I probably would have been ill. The bodies on the floor for Obi-Wan and Yoda to find were quite enough.

I found all the shots of the clone army turning on the Jedi stationed on different planets so sad, I almost cried, but I didn't. It really was very sad, and the background music definitely helped in the sad department.

I wasn't able to take one crucial dramatic moment very seriously, becuase it was when Padmè says "Anakin, you're breaking my heart" - that line has been the commercial we've seen for months now, so I always dramatically act in out in silence when it is on. When it came in the movie, I couldn't help but not laugh quietly because Zane jabbed me in the arm and grinned right when she said "Anakin." That scene was sad too, but I still can't believe he tried to strangle her to death. I get that he though Obi-Wan was honing in on her, but he should have know, even in his Dark side twisted head that she loved him. I don't think he was *completely* gone then, when he was force-strangling her, but I do think he was too far gone to realize what he was doing until it would have been too late, had Obi-Wan not distracted him and got him to stop.

I really thought Obi-Wan should have tossed Anakin in the lava river instead of leaving him there, set on fire, to burn to death after he cut off all his limbs except the arm with the mechanical hand. It just seemed way too cruel for the whole father son, then brother/brother relationship they had. But I realize that would have left nothing for Sidius to save and create the new and improved Darth Vader.

Out of all the sad part, especially Padmè dying, I really think the saddest was when Sidius told Dath Vader that she was dead and he had killed her. I really found it sad to watch him blow up the walls and the droids, etc. in the room thorugh the sheer power of his mind because you could truly see him go all the way to the Dark side and truly become an evil Sith lord. I'm really suprised he had enough good in him left after that to save Luke in the sixth movie because it really did look like the death of Padmè would have killed him if he hadn't been

I'm kind of glad she died of a broken heart. I'm not GLAD she died, because I would have loved to see them put her in hiding so there would be that "open door" in the plot for people to create stories of a reunion of her and her children set after the sixth movie, or something like that. Zane thought it was appropriate because any other medical issue could have been fixed with their technology, so it had to be a "unexplainable" form of dying in the medical sense. I like it that way because it showed how strong their love was. She died because, in addition to practically being strangled by the person she loved, she probably knew she would never see him again or or she would never be able to bring him back to the Light side, even though she knew there was some good still in him. He turned completely (well, except for the itty bitty bit that later saves Luke) to the dark side because he failed to save her, which he wanted to do because she loved her so much. Honestly, it is a situation to which I can completely relate.

Finally, I was relieved to see Hayden Christansen did not totally suck this time. I'm sorry, I really thought he was a bad actor in the second movie. I think this conflict between good and evil and the chance to look dark and scary really did him some good as an actor, as I didn't find myself cringing whenever he had a "dramatic" moment.

I'd really like to see it again, even though I don't ever re-watch movies in the theater. I definitely give it a "A" :)

Now I don't have any movies on my "must see" list until winter when Harry Potter, Goblet of Frie, and The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. There are some good ones coming out, but nothing I HAVE to see. At least I have HP Book Six too look forward to in July! :)

I'm never going to be able to have a baby

I don't know what it is - blame it on the start of a post-miscarriage AF that is physically rougher than usual (like the last time), staying up too late, general unsureness about the direction of life and what it holds for me - whatever the reason, I just have this feeling now that I'm never going to have a baby.

I mean it - I'm not being overly dramatic and attention-seeking, I just feel that all my pregnancies are doomed. I feel sure in my heart we'll be pregnant right away, and along with that is the sure feeling we will lose that baby too. Probably even later than the first two. And it will continue again and again because I won't know when to yell "mercy" and give up.

I'm pretty sure very few people understand this feeling. Those who have never lost a baby will call me a worrywort and spastic, saying I should just "relax" a little. Relax how, exactly? Please explain to me, if you will, how a person who has been pregnant twice and has yet to hold a baby can "relax" and not worry that a third pregnancy won't go the same way as the first two.

And there are so many things that could be the potential cause of miscarriage, from "not your fault" to "omg how did we miss that" that it, quite frankly, blows my mind. Oh, and of course the icing on the cake is that both mathmatically and obstetrically, two does not make a pattern. No, THREE makes a pattern, so I guess really I should hold no hope for myself except that maybe in a few months someone will finally say "Ok Jessica, let's get out the needles and swabs and surgical equipment and test the living daylights out of you" because I will have lost another baby and will now have my pattern. Then I'll experience the joys of driving over an hour one-way in search of an RE that just might be able to help me, but more than likely will get on the same tired train my OB/GYN is on "Well, it isn't your fault, these things just happen and there isn't a whole heck of a lot we can do for you"

Don't get me wrong, I think my OB/GYN is great. I was lucky to find a doctor and a hospital this great considering we live in the middle of nowhere, and I'm lucky even if I don't get everything out there. He's been willing to do anything I ask and advise me on all of it, but I feel like even if he had been able to order every test known to man, he'd still be saying the same things to me.

I want to be like other women I know. I want this third pregnancy on progesterone to be "the one" for me, not another "Oh Jessi, we're so sorry but this baby isn't meant to be." Maybe even progesterone won't be enough to fix me. Maybe I'm broken beyond repair... it isn't like my body was screaming "hello idiot, I need *this certain thing* and then I'd me more than willing to help you carry this baby." Geez, I wish my body would scream something, it would certainly be helpful.

Maybe I'm a bad person. But plenty of bad people have kids, so that can't be it. Maybe I'll be such a horrid parent that this is nature's way of stopping that catastrophy right now.

Ok, that last part was dramatic and attention seeking - I know I'm a good person and I know I would make a good parent. Which leaves me at a complete loss as to why this has happened to me and other good people like me. Hell, I can't even complain and agonize over my misfortune when I only have two angels and others have four or more.

In some ways, my first loss really was easier. I still look upon that as a loss of my baby and I still grieve for that child, but it was my second baby I continue to grieve in such a raw way. That baby I saw and heard the heartbeat twice, I actually had time to "be pregnant" and I even thought I'd make it through the bad times. I really thought that baby was my miracle, that little second chance that said hello when I had no idea there was even anyone still in my womb. Even with the continued spotting and weird HCG, I actually thought I'd finally have a baby.

So how can I even look forward to another pregnancy? Every bathroom trip I'll look for spotting because that is all I've ever known in pregnancy. I'll try my damnest not to be anything other than a normal pregnant person, and I will fail miserably because I am, by nature, a worrier. Not an obsessive worrier, but pregnancy will amplify that worry into some huge thing that will take over my life. I'll be afraid to breathe or move the wrong way, even though I know in my head those things do not cause loss. Now, even a heartbeat can't reassure me. Will there be anything that WILL reassure me?

If it was available, I'd accept being unconscious from BFP to the first signs of labor. I'd do it without hesistation. It may seem so strange to many, but I am not looking forward to being pregnant at all. Pregnancy has never been a happy time for me and I will never be able to get back that thing that makes most women go "la la la" through their whole pregnancy, in this bubble of pregnant bliss. That should outrage more people, that women who go through loss not only lose their babies, but they also, in many cases, lose any way to function like a "normal" pregnant woman.

You'd think this whole blog entry meant I realized I should just throw in the towel. You know what? I haven't. As awful as the past 7 months have been, I'm ready to go do it all again. I grieve the loss of my children. I grieve knowing that only a select few know that I really am a Mom, whether my children ever took a breath on this earth or not. And yet, I want a baby in my arms, more than anything I've ever wanted in this world. I'd do anything to have the chance to finally hold my own child in my arms.

And that is why I keep doing this.

It has begun again :)

Cycle 10, CD1

I'm so excited, AF came tonight which means I'm officially back to TTCing again. I'll need to call the doctor Monday to get the prescription for the progesterone suppositories - I'm sure he'll get it done quickly but I want to give myself enough time to have everything in order.

According to my 29 day cycle, I should ovulate on Zane's birthday, but I'm not sure that will be the day based on prior cycles. From looking at my previous cycles, I've not yet ovulated on the same day:
Cycle 4: CD15 or 16
Cycle 5: CD15
Cycle 6: CD13 (miscarriage)
Cycle 7: No recorded O
Cycle 8: CD14 or 15 (miscarriage)
Cycle 9: No recorded O

As for cycles 1 - 3, I wasn't charting temps but the other signs pointed towards a CD14-15 O time. I think cycle 6 was a fluke because it was early. So I'm not really sure when O is coming thsi time, but at least Zane will have a happy birthday ;)

Also by that chart, if I don't test early I could suprise him for our 2nd anniversary (June 14th), which would also be a great birthday present (June 16th), but I will probably test early if my temps look good. As much as I'm trying not to set myself up for it, I did get pregnant the first cycle back from my first miscarriage and I'm hoping to do so again. I definitely don't want to take the six cycles it took to get pregnant initally.

Wow - when I get the BFP for this cycle (because I WILL have that Feb '06 baby) it will be in June, a whole YEAR from when we first started trying. The start of that cycle was May 27 (wow, I might ovulate a year to the day of the start of that cycle, weird how that coincidence means something in my head even though it is just a coincidence), but we were still discussing it towards the end of the month and decided at the beginning of June we would start. So that is really why I consider us TTCing since June '04.

A whole year... wow, I never thought it would take this long. I thought I'd have a baby in my arms by now, and while I've had two chances, I still don't.

*sigh*

No, I'm happy, I CAN'T get sad now! I may not have a baby for Christmas but I WILL have a huge pregnant belly by then! Please, oh please, let this happen right away. And let the third time REALLY be the charm... I know it is a stupid saying, but I'm thinking I need it on a t-shirt.

I'm back!

Well, actually I've been back home since Sunday, but now I'm officially back online. I took a two day hiatus from all things internet and PennACCA, and now I'm trying to catch up on all my back messages for forums I visit.

So the conference went great - no big problems, everything seemed to run really smoothly. It was a huge effort, but it seemed that almost everyone really enjoyed it a lot.

The only bad thing about the weekend was that Saturday night my Mom went into the hospital with her diabetes and I couldn't come home because I was the only one who was going to be around Sunday morning. So I had to wait until Sunday afternoon to see her and she was still pretty out of it at that point.

Luckily, she came home Tuesday and is doing much better.

Well, that is it for me, just a quick update and now I think I'm going to go read.

Damn PennDOT and smelly black sludge

I am mad, so very mad at the people working on my road today!

I'm in the middle of last minute planning for the state coaching coference this upcoming weekend and I'm waiting on mail... so, of course, what do the state road guys decide to do? Come by and BURY my mailbox and newspaper box!

They are digging out the ditch, or something - they've already done the side of the road the house is on and totally ruined the front yard because the machine shot the dirt about 10 feet into the front yard. So anyways, on this side of the road apparently to completitng their job requires that they basically annihilate a road bank in their path. A very WET road bank built of SMELLY black dirt. Smelly black wet dirt that when churned up turns into smelly black SLUDGE, which is now all over my mailbox and completely covering my now uprooted newspaper box... and my NEWSPAPER!

Oh, and I forgot... ME!! I had to wipe the mailbox off (the post and number sign is still coated though), otherwise I could kiss my mail delivery goodbye... I know smelly black mud is not part of the postman's credo!

And you know what? I saw the idiot coming, and I watched him. I thought he'd skip the SMALL section of road where the mailbox and newspaper box reside. He did... but then he came back! By then I was standing in the yard, yelling at him to stop so I could get my paper because I knew he wasn't going to skip it a second time. He doesn't even stop, just blows mud all over the mailbox and destroys the bank the newspaper box USED to be staked in. Then when he is finished, he turns around and looks at me, looks at the mess, and drives away.

So I call PennDOT - tell the very polite man who answered the crew better come back and dig out my newspaper box and hose it down, considering they just ruined not only the box, but the paper. He tells me he'll call the foreman.

So I know what that means... so I call the newspaper, tell them not to bother trying to bring the paper tomorrow and I'll probably need a new box so they can replace this one which is going to need to be professionally powerwashed.

Apparently I'm not the only one mad as heck... the cows on that side of the road are standing there, sniffing and bellering out loud, probably at the smell. :)

Poor Zane, he probably thought he was going to get to come home and relax. Wait till I tell him he has to go get the box and try to hose it down. I told the circulation woman I'd see if he could, and if it came clean we'd put it in a new spot (since the whole bank is gone) but if it wasn't clean and up tomorrow when the paper guy went by that means we need a new box.

Oh well, my hand may still stink even though I washed it 6 times, but at least my new hair cut looks good. :)

Say hello to my siblings

Yes, I have two - my sister, Amanda, and my brother, Mike (Michael). Amanda is my "blood" sister (look at the pictures, can't you tell?) and Mike is "adopted." He's not legally adopted, but when he was very young, my mom tutored him and since he had such a bad homelife (lived with his uncle when we all met) he spent a lot of time with us and became an "adopted" member of the family. I've never had a "blood" brother, but he's as real as any brother could be.

Despite being of no blood relation, we had a picture taken of the three of us by his wedding photographer (sorry, don't have a copy) that we look very much related in - funny how people can look like each other when they don't share the same genetics.

Here is my sister:


This is her and her boyfriend Mike - I know, two Mike's. :) Bro mike and bf Mike.

Here is two pictures of Amanda and bro Mike at his wedding last May.


and for good measure, here is my brother and I.

Bad picture of me, but you know what? I MADE that dress - hence the panel thing in the front because I didn't include the correct amount of material to make it a v-neck... LOL!

So now I've shared my siblings - the wonderful, sweet, good looking duo they are... and now I need to go to bed, haven't been to sleep yet!

BTW: Got my hair done, soon as I do the color and style it so it looks nice, I'll take a picture.

Stupidity disturbs my peaceful, happy world

An you know what? I'm about to dedicate this whole entry to it so watch out!

I have certain, shall they remain nameless, people on my AOL list due to their connections with family - not people I've voluntarily chosen association with, but have added to my list because I thought they were nice people - you are nice to my family, and then nice to me as well, you get on my AOL list, simple as that..

Well, I have this tendency to, shall we say, MELTDOWN when people screw with my family, especially my sister. That is my sister, and even I'M not rude or mean to her (heheh mostly), but even if I was, any and all rights to say anything bordering on rude, mean or inappropriate to her are mine by blood, sweat, tears, and GENETICS!

So that in mind, I decide to log on to AOL. Normally I check away messages first before doing anything else, so I do that. I get to the bottom of my list and click to read this:

"I hate it when stupid happy people put crap in their profiles like "I love Blah D. Blah soooo much" and "I am the happiest person in the world because Whats-his-face." They just want to rub it my face and remind me of how unhappy I am. Thanks a lot!!! Go kill yourselves......"

Umm, ok, how is that for a super pyscho away message - I mean, ranting about your unhappiness is fine, but "Go kill yourselves" is WAY past the line of acceptable personal conduct, online or elsewhere.

So I check the user name, trying to figure out who it is, when I realize it is in the category that denotes association with my sister. I'm not sure which among a set of people it is, but I do know it is one of the ones I should remove from my list as they have caused nothing but grief to my sister by being rude to her and her numero uno - have I yet? No, hadn't really needed to, been too busy to use AOL. Now I definitely won't because I am drawn to drama - the whole "trying not to stare but can't look away" mentality that makes forum trolls so interesting to me.

So, of course, I could try to be better than this person and go about my business, but as I know exactly who she is talking about because she has made my sister, and her boyfriend - who I quite like and would definitely never hurt a fly, let alone be mean (at least, i think, maybe I'm wrong, LOL!) - the target of her vicious, bitter, twisted little mouth for quite some time now. However, I realyl am not in that kind of mood! So here is MY away message:

"I hate bitchy people who whine about people who like to write how happy they are to be with someone. ESPECIALLY when they say stuff like "Go kill yourselves"... You know what I think? Maybe you should take you own advice you heinous, black hearted people."

Granted, not MATURE at all - the last tiem I resorted to writing mean things in my away message was when I was 17, I think. Wow, i've been using AOL for seven years, that disturbs me in a way I can't decribe - well, maybe I can partly - it makes me feel OLD!

But, the away message does nto satisfy me becuase I have to actually be away for it to stay there - I cn't message anyone, so I decided so come here and have a rant about it.

Now, I feel better - we'll, I'd feel better if people weren't writing "Go kill yourselves" to my sister and her boyfriend. Maybe Paint Sho Pro-ing the photos of them my sister took with my camera would make me feel better? No, I don't go for that, really.

You know what? I don't feel better, I feel quite pissed that there are people out there that would tell someone to kill themselves for being happy, especially when they weren't being ooey-gooey about it. I know ooey gooey, DH and I DID ooey gooey and I can tell you my sister does not. Mainly because... well, because I did it and she hated and got on my case so now if she did it I'd have to get on her case! :)

Basically, it all boils down to - don't mess with my sister. I love her, she's awesome - she's one of the best people in the world... wanna see her? I'll get a new entry in when I get the photos uploaded.

Well that is it for me, my rant is done. :)

I'm going to go for it! And my good non-pregnancy news.

I've decided, I'm getting my hair cut... and not just cut, but layered. I'm going to go for it on Thursday. When the rechargeable batteries are charged, I post a picture.

The main reason is to get the last of the disasterous dye job off my hear - I had my hair highlighted two years ago, right before the wedding. The stupid hairdresser pulled my hair through a cap (which I was not happy about) instead of doing foil. I've had my hair done that way before and it can turn out ok if done PROPERLY... guess what? She didn't do it properly - she ended up pulling 3/4 of my hair through the cap and turning it hooker blonde while the hair from mid skull down underneath stayed brown. It was awful, I cried like a baby. Luckily, the wonderful girl at Cost Cutters saved my life becuase after a hot oil treatment the next day, I went it and she fixed it. She said my hair was in really good shape, so I was lucky because that meant the color would take. she created this mix from a bunch of different color types (solutions for grey hair, etc.) and it turned out great - you can see the color in my profile picture.

So anyways, for the past two years I've had to dye my hair frquently to even out the bright blonde ends with the dark blonde and brown hair growing out. I haven't had it cut in awhile so it is about mid-back right now, all one length, and I'm ready for a change. I think I'm going to go with a longer version of my high school hair, since I liked it and I think it looked good on my face. It will just be long layers, but I think it will help out my hair since it has a tendency to lay pretty flat.

Below are some of my senior pics that are good shots of my high school hair (click for full sized images)...




Ok, enough about my hair... on to my good news!

Zane got his promotion to Pet Department Manager!

I'm really happy about it - it means he works 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. Monday through Friday now instead of 10:30 p.m. to 7 a.m., Tuesday through Saturday.

So now I don't sleep alone at night anymore! :) Actually, I had been almost on his schedule anyways, so I need to learn to adapt back!

So while it isn't pregnancy news, I'm really happy. I'm proud of him as well, because he has worked so hard at Wal-Mart and now he has something to show for that hardwork. The store mananger has asked him twice in the past few months to do assistant manager training, but that would involve relocation we don't want to do, plus the hours are awful. This is really the next best thing for him.

This way, if he doesn't find a computer job, he has a better schedule for when we have a baby so he'll be here at night and actually be awake when the rest of us are! :)

That's all for now, gotta go do more things for the conference!

No money? It's ok, just sell your EYE!

Yahoo! News - Desperate Mother Puts Eye on Sale

I'm sorry, but this is just so idiotic! And how exact does one SELL an eye? Are there doctors out there that would remove the working eye of a person? If not, do you cut it out yourself?

And what exactly would one do with a purchased eye? Can it be inserted on those who have bad or missing eyes?

This is gross...

Pierogies and Britney Spears

It's 5 a.m. and I want cheese potato pierogies with melted mozzarella on top. Badly. I'm trying to resist, I'm trying so hard... I'm not pregnant, so I don't have an excuse for this "craving" at all.

Trying... failing. I failed, they are heating in the microwave right now. Yes, I boil them in water, I'm too lazy to try them in a frying pan. I know I'm sending plenty of people into fits right now, as most peopel do not like them. I can only eat them with melted mozzarella because otherwise the outer part is gross. I'm offically off my rocker, eating them at 5 a.m. - LOL, like I wasn't before! So now I sit here, waiting on my cheese potato pierogies with melted mozzarella. Yummy... :)

You know what? I hate you Britney. Ok, I don't really hate you. I don't really hate anyone. I just envy you like crazy because you are pregnant and I am not. I envy you doubly because you also have children via your low-life husband.

And it's not fair, damn it!

Why pregnancy has to be so hard for some people, I'll never understand. I've had my fair share of grief with two losses, but what about the people with four? Or the people with stillbirths, etc. It is all so incredibly unfair. Yeah, I know, whine has officially commenced. I really shouldn't do these entries after being up all day and night ESPECIALLY because I should still be doing PennACCA stuff right now. Problem is, I felt sick last night and not so good today, so I think I've been up too long to be entirely effective anymore.

I also need to stop looking at other people's cute newborns. I saw one today that was just so gorgeous I cried - I want a baby so bad and this baby was just so adorable, asleep and stretching.
*sob*

The PennACCA Conference crunch is on!

Just over two weeks to go until the state cheerleading coaches conference! I can't believe I've planned this whole thing almost entirely by myself, from the general idea a year ago to the big conference of present day. I've had help, for which I'm grateful to our great secretary, but the majority has been all me! This is possibly the largest task I've ever taken on (planning my wedding enitrely myself is running a super-close second)...

It really sounds like I'm tooting my own horn, but this is a big deal for me - starting PennACCA (Pennsylvania Association for Cheerleading Coaches and Advisors) last year was such a huge thing. It banded together cheerleading coaches across the state where before, no contact was being made. Other states have had a state organization for years, but Pennsylvania had nothing until I decided to step up and organize it. Now we're having our first state-wide conference, the first step along the path to making sure coaches get educated and certified to keep cheerleading in PA fun and safe.

I should not even be blogging right now, I have so much to do!

First post - A blogger I've become

We'll, here it is - I've become a "blogger" too! :0) "Becoming a blogger" is deceptive though, as I've been journaling online since July '04 - with my personal website instead of a blog service. That journaling has mainly focused on my journey to conceive a child, but has managed to include day to day events as well.

I decided to make the switch because I was impressed after viewing the blog of an online friend. I read a little more into blogger.com and really liked it. I've been doing my journal with handwritten code in HTML, and I really liked the format of the blog, with archives and past post links - things that would take more coding on my part that I really didn't want to do. I'm lazy, what can I say?

Anyways, I really liked all the things I could do with this service, like the feedback options, but my favorite is AudioBlogger, that lets you call from any phone and leave a message that is immediately posted as an MP3 audio file. I realized how perfect that would be when I finally get pregnant and give birth, Zane will be able to call to make the announcement so it can be posted in the blog. Now that is something I know I can't do with HTML! :)

I started online journaling as a TTC (trying to conceive) journal for a few reasons - to save my sanity by writing it all down, to share my experiences with others (it really bites to feel all alone when you are trying so hard to get something that is just out of reach) and because I really wanted to be writing a baby journal during the waiting part of cycle #3. I thought a TTC journal would pass the time while in the "2ww".

It became more than a "TTC Journal" as I experienced two of the most devastating events of my life - miscarriages in November '04 and March '05. The normal parts of my life began to leak into my writing as well, so it became a journal of major life events and minor life events, not just a journal of temperature fluctuations and body changes.

I also had separate journals for both of my pregnancies, because it meant a lot to me to record the changes and feelings so someday my children could read them - well, at least MOST of them, some of this journal/blog they really don't need to read! :) I've realized all those journals were part of one journal, the journal of my life, my world, so this blog brings that all together. Enough separating all those parts, it is time to keep them all together - besides, it's easier on me to have it all in one place.

Now this blog will be a place for everything - from dull everyday moments to exciting TTC journey events, because it all needs a place to be recorded... especially when baby milestones get to join the throng of events and observations!

P.S. My past journal entries will remain here for viewing.